dear tom cruise,

i wasn’t going to write you, but i just couldn’t resist. this is a letter i’ve been writing in my head for a long time, that i finally decided to type out and send out. i hope you get it, because i know you’ve got handlers and advisors and auditors… the thing is, i know there’s lots of layers of people that i would have to get through to get to you, and even if i got to you, you’ve got lots of layers that would be hard to penetrate. you’re a complicated man, and ever since cocktail, i’ve known you were something special.

i thought about becoming a scientologist one time, though i didn’t know i was thinking about becoming a scientologist at the time. i was walking through downtown ottawa, and i saw a sandwich board advertising for stress tests. i walked off the street, up these stairs to a pretty sad looking room with a TV/VCR and a dude in some slacks and a cheap-ass golf shirt. he greeted me at the door with what can only be described as a stern smile; it was like he wanted to let me know he was on to me. his smile was cold, if you can imagine that.

he welcomed me into a stark room with some equipment that almost looked like a lie-detector, and the TV/VCR that was on the blue screen, ready to be used. he made me watch this 30min video that was poorly produced, and when it finished i was probably more stressed out than i had been all week… what the hell was i doing in this room? what the fuck was up with this video? when was i gonna know what my results were? after the video, he hooked me up to something called an E-Meter and did an “audit.” when he was done, he told me i had to sort myself out soon. my stress level was off the charts. he offered me some books by L. Ron Hubbard that would be able to help me out.

the truth is, tom, i’m a little bit worried about you. like i said, i’ve been a fan of yours since cocktail, and i’ve been watching you from the privacy of my own home for years now. something that seems to have taken place away from the prying eyes of the movie-going public, however, was your conversion to scientology; it’s something i wasn’t privy to.

ever since that stress test, i’ve been wondering if that’s how you got into it. were you having a bad day in beverly hills and stumbled along one of those sandwich boards? the reason i’m worried about you is that i had such a sketchy introduction to scientology, but i could see how you could get roped into it if you were feeling vulnerable and having a bad day (or week, or month). and what about dianetics? i mean, come on tom. don’t tell me you believe that shit. i read dianetics when i was 14, and even then i knew it was bullshit. i read about 2/3 of it before i decided that L. Ron Hubbard wasn’t worth my time anymore. i am not a sum total of aberrations, and you aren’t either… at least i didn’t think so when i was 14. maybe that shit makes more sense when you’re living the hollywood high life and you’ve been buzzing on coke for a few years.

the bottom line is that i think we need to talk. i know you don’t officially “know” me or anything, but still. call me.

finally, before i sign off, a question followed by a piece of advice. firstly, are you gonna actually force your trophy wife katie holmes to have a scientology-recommended silent birth? i know, i know, engrams are really dangerous and shit, but considering you got katie into this mess (the religion and the pregnancy), shouldn’t she be allowed to yell her fucking guts out to be able to make the birth more bearable for herself? i mean, i know that the scientologist theory about engrams means that the negative comments should be kept to a minimum, but if katie wants to call the child she’s giving birth to a goddamn motherfucker, shouldn’t she be allowed to? childbirth is fucking hell dude. as a male, you can’t possibly wrap your head around it, and neither can i.

secondly, a piece of advice: the PDAs (public displays of affection) are a little tacky. it’s very 10th grade. i was in 10th grade once, and i wanted to make out with my girlfriend every single time i saw her, even in public. honestly, i wouldn’t say anything if she seemed into it, but my perception is that she seems kind of zoned out. maybe she’s got that new scientologist glow about her, and maybe i just need to get used to it. but seriously, dude, if you could pass ten minutes without shoving your tongue down katie’s throat as if you were planting a fucking flag on mars, the general public might not be so creeped out by you and katie’s impending scientologist alien baby.

love and rockets.
karol.